Category Archives: Relationships

How to Turn Me On


Take the bins out

Fix the dripping tap

Fix the blown light bulb

Put petrol in my car

Buy me a non twist hose in the garden

Put the kick board in the kitchen back

Put the washing away

Clean the bathroom

Buy a replacement photo frame for the one you broke

Wash the sheets and change the bed



First kiss, First Love, First sex

I was having a chat on Twitter with Post-40Bloggers about firsts yesterday.

Who can remember their first kiss, first love, first sex?

If there is one thing I will tell my daughter and son as they grow up is that you think firsts won’t matter that much but you will be asked the question a zillion times in your lifetime so make sure it’s a story you want to talk about.  One that doesn’t make you look like a complete plonker.

I hate firsts.  To be honest, I hate seconds and thirds.  I’m at my happiest on about 10ths. I’m more secure, less paranoid, know the lay of the land (so to speak).  I guess it won’t surprise you I’m not a big fan of the unknown and unfortunately “firsts” fall into that category.  Serial shaggers or people who hop from one relationship to the next for the buzz of “firsts” are like aliens to me.  I’m waaaay on the other side of the fence.

First kiss?  Sadly it was with a complete stranger and coincided with my first bit of alcohol at the age of 17.  (yes…..I was a late bloomer).  I’d drunk one can (!)of vodka and passiona and I was OFF MY HEAD.  I remember it being quite nice.  To be honest, it would never have happened for years had alcohol not been involved.  Far too shy.

First sex and first love coincided.  Although not in the lovely sweet way you could imagine.  My parents were away in the UK and I was in Oz in the family home with my sister.  I was 18 and a half and I “picked up” a guy in a nightclub.  My friend and I knew his mate from school so all four of us drove back to mine.  It was the weirdest thing in the world that at that precise moment, after waiting over 18 years (and being the last of my mates to lose my virginity) it was absolutely the right thing to do.  Even though it was with some bloke I’d only just met.  I’m not embarrassed by this story.  I think my age sort of cancels out the casual element of it (well I think it does).  Anyway, it was naturally awkward.  I wasn’t drunk although I’d had a couple and I think I just wanted to get it over with.

He ended up shagging another of my mates whilst I was dallying with an old flame the following week (and yes, I slept with the old flame —– “Don’t stop me now, I’m having such a good time”……….) and then somehow we hooked up and started seeing each other. I was engaged by 19.  Was with him for about 3 years in all.

I got engaged because I was in love.  Truth be told I was in love with the idea of being in love.  I felt so grown up.  Like that was what being a grown up was all about. Playing at grown up.  Absolutely ridiculous.  The guy was abusive and for about 2 years a raving alcoholic.  I have no idea what I was thinking.  I didn’t do too well on number 2 either. Thank goodness Mr40 showed up as Number 3.

With Mr40 I did like the first kiss in a park in London, but I preferred the 10th.  The same with all my firsts with him.

If I ever find myself unfortunately in the position of finding love and doing all those firsts again………can I just skip to the 10th please?


The Great Balsamic Glaze Argument of 2014

FFF (me): So this is what Balsamic Glaze is” *Shows Mr40 the balsamic glaze I bought in Tesco that’s in the fridge door*

Mr40: I know what Balsamic Glaze is. I’m not stupid.

FFF: I didn’t realise because you bought this *picks up balsamic dressing*

Mr40: Yes I know *getting angry* but Sainsbury’s don’t sell Balsamic Glaze.

FFF: Well they do…Tesco have about 5 different sorts so I imagine Sainsbury’s have a big selection too.

Mr40: Look I looked for Balsamic Glaze. They don’t sell it. I got you the next best thing.

FFF: Yes, and it’s lovely and I’ve used it, but I just thought I’d show you what it looked like so you know next time…..

Mr40: I KNOW WHAT BALSAMIC GLAZE IS.  *starts looking more in the fridge* I think I did actually buy some.

FFF: The old Balsamic glaze was 3 years old I’ve chucked it.

Mr40: NO I BOUGHT SOME. I THOUGHT I DID. Anyway, I couldn’t find any (!) so I got that one.

FFF: (backing off).Ok.  *Sits down to eat half a pizza and some salad. With Balsamic Glaze*

Mr40: Well, What do you think I do at the supermarket.  Eh? Eh?

FFF: *Sits in silence*.

We did discuss it again.  He came back from his storming upstairs to ask why I thought he was stupid.  I got the dressing out the fridge again and started talking and he cut me off (again).  I did eventually say:

FFF: When you bought this dressing, you didn’t say anything about it *Mr40 attempts to interuppt again* so there was a chance you either just couldn’t find it OR that you didn’t know what Balsamic Glaze was.  I just thought I’d show you.

Mr40: *silence*

FFF: I wasn’t expecting the bloody great balsamic Glaze argument of 2014.

The offending bottle of Balsamic Glaze

The offending bottle of Balsamic Glaze

11th Anniversary and it’s all change

Yesterday hubby and I celebrated 11 years of marriage.  We had a great day, but just stayed home as we hadn’t had a weekend in the new house.  We also had surprise visitors who were nearby and it was just a really nice day. We finished off by enjoying a fire in the stainless steel firepit I’d bought for him.


11 years is a big deal.  The more time I’m married the more I realise what a BIG deal these anniversaries really are.

What got me thinking about that was because it was only 2 days previously that we’d had a big blow up argument… front of our children.  One of those awful moments that you watch unfold but you have to commit to, even though part of you is shouting at you to give in and walk away.

It’s not as if we hadn’t argued for a while either.  We had a humdinger of one heading from the airport in Spain to the holiday villa.

There is no doubt things have to change.  I can’t control him, but I can control myself.

I feel I bite my tongue a bit.  Perhaps I need to bite my tongue more often.

Perhaps I just need to remind myself that we are a team and as long as I love him (and I do) I have to think more about the greater good (within reason) and learn to cope with what I deem are his inadequacies.

Time to take stock and work out whether I want to be right all the time or whether I want a happy home life.

I think I know the answer.


I don’t DO Date Night

There you go. I said it.

I don’t do date nights. In fact the mere mention of those two little words kind of makes me want to punch someone in the face.

There are two reasons I don’t “do” date night

Firstly, I’ve been married for 10 years and been with my partner for 18 years.  One of the perks of being in a long term relationship is that WE DON’T HAVE TO DATE.

I don’t have to make this massively huge effort to dress up and impress and he doesn’t have to polish up on his compliments or check the use by date on the resident condom that has started to leave an imprint on the inside of his wallet.

It doesn’t mean we don’t want to go out and enjoy each other’s company. You know, that well-known, “I’m going out with my husband” night.  It also doesn’t mean I don’t want to occasionally look nice and he doesn’t need to compliment me.  It’s just that after 18 years there really is no pressure here.  I kind of like that.  It can be a pretty shit night and it’s still going to be a great night out, because we aren’t sitting on the sofa or dealing with errant children who want a drink/snack/monster killer/light on.

However, I am just GOING OUT WITH MY HUSBAND. We aren’t dating.  You know, because we ARE MARRIED.

My second issue with the dreaded Date Night is that (yes, I’m going to get defensive here) I feel a little like I’m not doing our marriage any good by not getting out there and having one on one time with my husband.  I think I feel like that, because so many people seem to put an enormous amount of pressure on making sure it happens.

I can’t do it.  I like him, but with only 2 good babysitters to use (my in-laws or my closest friend nearby) I’m a little short on babysitting availability.  If I need to use them, it has to be for a pretty BIG night out.  A 40th or a wedding or something.

I am stingy as well.  I am not spending £8 an hour on a babysitter.  That is waaaay too much pressure to have a good time.  Add a meal cost on top of that, maybe a taxi and that is one very expensive evening out.  Then there is a whole heap of pressure on a good night out.  And you know what, I could have spoken to him here, on this sofa for free.

So I won’t be doing any date night shit anytime soon, thanks.  We’ll do our catching up the old fashion way –  Raising our voices over the top of our kids at the dinner table or grabbing a moment on a car journey whilst the lyrics of “Frozen” are shouted at us from the back seat.

It’s done me ok for 10 years.