Tag Archives: losing it

NOT losing it

I’m not the most patient of people.

I’m also not very good at hiding my true feelings.

So I struggle with not losing it with my children.  This is especially true when I’m feeling the pressure from work, rushing around, meeting deadlines or just fed up.

Today, however, was my daughter’s 7th Birthday.  It coincided with a particularly tricky day for me as well.

In order to watch her open her presents this morning, I had to go into work late and I decided to mark my calendar as being “at the doctors”.  I dashed in, attended 7 meetings during the day and then had to get away by 3pm.  Mr40 had a casting today and TM had been booked in for an extra day at nursery and Pickle had to go to the nursery after school because I wouldn’t be back in time. I then thought I’d “work from home” for a bit and then take Pickle, TM and one of her school friends out for dinner as a birthday treat.  It meant leaving work at 4.30pm (1 hour early).

I picked them up at 3.30pm though, full of smiles.  I refused to get cross about anything.  I didn’t want to ruin her birthday.

TM fell asleep when we got home, I didn’t get cross.  I bribed him to wake up and stay awake.

His clothes were caked in mud and it dropped all over the floor.  I didn’t get cross.

I needed to log on to work but couldn’t for over 30 minutes. I didn’t get cross.

Pickle and her friend took way to long getting changed to go out. I didn’t get cross.

All of them took too long to get in the car. I didn’t get cross

I ended up going inside about 3 times to get things I’d forgotten.  TM refused to eat the meal at the restaurant.  He cried a lot and had a few hissy fits.  Pickle hurt herself on a straw and cried far too long.

I was like Mary Poppins!

So I thought I’d post on here about how I’d managed to hold it together and why I couldn’t do it more often.

However, whilst writing this, Pickle popped up on the stairs and I told her to go to bed and not mess about because I’d been very good today and hadn’t lost it.

“yes you did” she cried.

“No I didn’t” I replied.

“yes, when you had to do my seatbelt at nursery”.

Sigh.  I had been a teeny weeny bit exasperated, but hadn’t raised my voice or got cross or said anything bad.  I’d just said that it would be nice if she could do it herself.

Really??

There is no hope for me.

Temper Temper

I think I’ve got a terrible temper. I have had a terrible morning.  It was all going so swimmingly as well.  Hubby headed off last night to stay overnight for a job today, so I was ultra-organised doing some of the packed lunch, filling up drink bottles, preparing nursery bags, leaving everything by the front door.

 This morning I was calm and collected. I didn’t rush anyone, get annoyed.  The children were well behaved, ate in a timely fashion and didn’t fight me at any point whilst I dressed them. Even The Monster who hates wearing his big coat, didn’t have a fuss.  We were just heading out the door and I suddenly thought I’d check for my work pass card.  Not in my bag.

 I often give my pass card to The Monster at the end of the day, but find it at some point about an hour later and tuck it into my bag. It contains my pass to get in and out of the floors at my work and has the key that opens my pedestal under my desk where my laptop is.  I WENT MENTAL!

 I stormed about the house, repeatedly saying “where is it? Where can it be? Who’s hidden it? Where have you put it?” like a demented creature.  I made wild statements about what it meant “Great, so I won’t be able to work today, brilliant” “I’m never going to let you play with my pass card AGAIN” “I try to be nice and let you have it, but I guess I’ll have to be a bad mummy in future”.  Thankfully THANKFULLY I never accused either child directly (which I have done in the past for things that weren’t their fault) and I also didn’t shout directly at them.  However, I was shouting at one stage and I know it affects them, because they get quiet and don’t attempt to say anything for fear of having their head bitten off.

 Eventually I gave up on looking for the card and got everyone out the door to load into the car.  The tiniest error and I was growling at them.  Both of them have been much worse at dilly dallying, or not doing as I say, but they were very good and I still found fault.  Getting annoyed at TM for not putting his arm through the strap (FFS!) and dropping his toy dog on the footpath.  I’m such a bad mother!  I then got annoyed at Pickle for going to get in the front seat (“What are you doing?? Get in the back”).  So she got in the back at which point I realised her booster seat was in the front. I’m such a bad mother!

 So we got in the car and headed off to nursery. By this stage I had seen the error of my ways and began the BIG APOLOGY.  My mum was a ranter and I was always frightened of her, but she NEVER apologised.  She would accuse us of things and then find it again and NEVER apologise.  I really hated her for that.  I can’t watch movies anymore that have a storyline where someone gets the blame for something they didn’t do (that’s a lot of movies) because that feeling of things being unfair runs too deep.  I once got accused of stealing money from her (I was never that sort of child), she found it an hour later and never apologised.

 Anyway, so I started to apologise.  When we got to nursery I got annoyed at another mum who followed me in and stole my space as I was backing into it. Thankfully THANKFULLY I didn’t make eye contact or wave my arms about, so I may have got away with her not noticing.  Nursery then annoyed me but announcing that the Christmas show started at 3pm.  Pickle doesn’t finish school until 3.05pm.  It would be 3.30pm until we arrive. Nursery manager suggests taking her out of school.  How ridiculous.  I have asked at school but I’m not pushing it.

 Dropped Pickle off at school and headed into work, only to be on the receiving end of a white van man who decided I hadn’t got onto the roundabout quickly enough.  I’m usually very judgemental of the way people use roundabouts, but I was anticipating a bus and then when he started beeping I got confused and was looking around to find out what the issue was. It turned out to be me.  I was so angry I ranted and ranted and ranted inside my car.  Then when I got to Richmond hill I slowed down to 15 miles an hour just to give him a taste of his own medicine.  I was fuming.  I did end up speeding up.

 So I’m now at work.  Feeling very annoyed at myself.  Feeling terrible for my children to have to experience a ranting mother – the one thing I desperately didn’t want to pass down from my mother, but I feel so powerless to prevent it.  The only small saving grace is that I am aware of what I am doing and have the balls to apologise…….even to a not quite 2 year old.  I’m not sure that is enough though.  How can I stop myself from getting so angry.  Counting to 10 is the LAST thing on my mind when I’m in the midst of a rant.  Do I need anger management classes?  This is not how I had envisaged myself in motherhood.

 I do it much less than I used to, but that is small comfort on a day like today.  Any advice would be gratefully received.

Me. Losing it.

Losing it!

Me. Losing it.

When you listen to your 18 month old cry and scream for the 2nd hour whilst your 4 1/2 year old asks you if they can do their sticker book, over and over and over again.  That!

I love my children. I really do.  I fought hard for both of them.  My eldest was eventually conceived on our first attempt of IVF.  We were very lucky indeed.  My youngest took a while to come too, due to not knowing if we could conceive naturally and also I was having a major flare up of an inflammatory condition. I went on medication in the April and conceived him in the May.

My eldest girl was very collicky. I refused to admit it at the time (no official medical term exists for colic) but she cried and cried and cried, all day long and all night.  Hubby and I argued a lot and spent a lot of time sobbing ourselves.  He told me once that we mustn’t get so upset about it, we asked to have her and fought hard to get her.  I now know that that was a mistake. We were just as entitled to moan about it as the next person and the extra guilt should never have come into it.

My son was a dream baby. Slept well (still does) and we barely heard a whimper. He’s now very different, very frustrated and very vocal.  I’ve blogged about his frustrating age here.

To top it all of, I’ve recently realised that I am a very highly strung, anxious person.  I know most people don’t adapt to change very well, but I don’t even more so. I rarely manage more than a few minutes of calm searching for something, before losing it, raising my voice, loudly asking rhetorical questions or swearing. I get very angry with other road users too. More so, when I’m under pressure to get from work to the nursery in good time.

The trouble is, although I consider my tolerance to be better than ever, because I think I would have literally exploded if I’d kept up with the way I’d handled things 4 years ago, I still can’t seem to hold it together very well.  All it takes is for 1 or 2 things to go wrong on top of me being in a bit of “funny mood” and I’m so ANGRY.  I have no idea how to manage this anymore.  I do take myself up to my room to rage in privacy as I don’t want the kids to see it and thankfully they don’t so much anymore, but I just wish I could be one of those cool, laid back kind of women who takes issues in her stride and copes.

I am being hard on myself, because I’ve been in some pretty horrendous situations of constant children crying and managed to cope, provided I’m in the right frame of mind.  I’ve also recently discovered that my tolerance level lowers if the place is a mess.  So I’m much more tidier and cleaner than I ever used to be.

Maybe, however, it’s time for me to find some better techniques to coping with the anger.  I don’t think it’s very nice for my kids to see me stressed and I remember being really scared of my mum and her moods.  Where do I look though?  Has anyone got any suggestions?