I think I’ve got a terrible temper. I have had a terrible morning. It was all going so swimmingly as well. Hubby headed off last night to stay overnight for a job today, so I was ultra-organised doing some of the packed lunch, filling up drink bottles, preparing nursery bags, leaving everything by the front door.
This morning I was calm and collected. I didn’t rush anyone, get annoyed. The children were well behaved, ate in a timely fashion and didn’t fight me at any point whilst I dressed them. Even The Monster who hates wearing his big coat, didn’t have a fuss. We were just heading out the door and I suddenly thought I’d check for my work pass card. Not in my bag.
I often give my pass card to The Monster at the end of the day, but find it at some point about an hour later and tuck it into my bag. It contains my pass to get in and out of the floors at my work and has the key that opens my pedestal under my desk where my laptop is. I WENT MENTAL!
I stormed about the house, repeatedly saying “where is it? Where can it be? Who’s hidden it? Where have you put it?” like a demented creature. I made wild statements about what it meant “Great, so I won’t be able to work today, brilliant” “I’m never going to let you play with my pass card AGAIN” “I try to be nice and let you have it, but I guess I’ll have to be a bad mummy in future”. Thankfully THANKFULLY I never accused either child directly (which I have done in the past for things that weren’t their fault) and I also didn’t shout directly at them. However, I was shouting at one stage and I know it affects them, because they get quiet and don’t attempt to say anything for fear of having their head bitten off.
Eventually I gave up on looking for the card and got everyone out the door to load into the car. The tiniest error and I was growling at them. Both of them have been much worse at dilly dallying, or not doing as I say, but they were very good and I still found fault. Getting annoyed at TM for not putting his arm through the strap (FFS!) and dropping his toy dog on the footpath. I’m such a bad mother! I then got annoyed at Pickle for going to get in the front seat (“What are you doing?? Get in the back”). So she got in the back at which point I realised her booster seat was in the front. I’m such a bad mother!
So we got in the car and headed off to nursery. By this stage I had seen the error of my ways and began the BIG APOLOGY. My mum was a ranter and I was always frightened of her, but she NEVER apologised. She would accuse us of things and then find it again and NEVER apologise. I really hated her for that. I can’t watch movies anymore that have a storyline where someone gets the blame for something they didn’t do (that’s a lot of movies) because that feeling of things being unfair runs too deep. I once got accused of stealing money from her (I was never that sort of child), she found it an hour later and never apologised.
Anyway, so I started to apologise. When we got to nursery I got annoyed at another mum who followed me in and stole my space as I was backing into it. Thankfully THANKFULLY I didn’t make eye contact or wave my arms about, so I may have got away with her not noticing. Nursery then annoyed me but announcing that the Christmas show started at 3pm. Pickle doesn’t finish school until 3.05pm. It would be 3.30pm until we arrive. Nursery manager suggests taking her out of school. How ridiculous. I have asked at school but I’m not pushing it.
Dropped Pickle off at school and headed into work, only to be on the receiving end of a white van man who decided I hadn’t got onto the roundabout quickly enough. I’m usually very judgemental of the way people use roundabouts, but I was anticipating a bus and then when he started beeping I got confused and was looking around to find out what the issue was. It turned out to be me. I was so angry I ranted and ranted and ranted inside my car. Then when I got to Richmond hill I slowed down to 15 miles an hour just to give him a taste of his own medicine. I was fuming. I did end up speeding up.
So I’m now at work. Feeling very annoyed at myself. Feeling terrible for my children to have to experience a ranting mother – the one thing I desperately didn’t want to pass down from my mother, but I feel so powerless to prevent it. The only small saving grace is that I am aware of what I am doing and have the balls to apologise…….even to a not quite 2 year old. I’m not sure that is enough though. How can I stop myself from getting so angry. Counting to 10 is the LAST thing on my mind when I’m in the midst of a rant. Do I need anger management classes? This is not how I had envisaged myself in motherhood.
I do it much less than I used to, but that is small comfort on a day like today. Any advice would be gratefully received.