Tag Archives: marriage

The Great Balsamic Glaze Argument of 2014

FFF (me): So this is what Balsamic Glaze is” *Shows Mr40 the balsamic glaze I bought in Tesco that’s in the fridge door*

Mr40: I know what Balsamic Glaze is. I’m not stupid.

FFF: I didn’t realise because you bought this *picks up balsamic dressing*

Mr40: Yes I know *getting angry* but Sainsbury’s don’t sell Balsamic Glaze.

FFF: Well they do…Tesco have about 5 different sorts so I imagine Sainsbury’s have a big selection too.

Mr40: Look I looked for Balsamic Glaze. They don’t sell it. I got you the next best thing.

FFF: Yes, and it’s lovely and I’ve used it, but I just thought I’d show you what it looked like so you know next time…..

Mr40: I KNOW WHAT BALSAMIC GLAZE IS.  *starts looking more in the fridge* I think I did actually buy some.

FFF: The old Balsamic glaze was 3 years old I’ve chucked it.

Mr40: NO I BOUGHT SOME. I THOUGHT I DID. Anyway, I couldn’t find any (!) so I got that one.

FFF: (backing off).Ok.  *Sits down to eat half a pizza and some salad. With Balsamic Glaze*

Mr40: Well, What do you think I do at the supermarket.  Eh? Eh?

FFF: *Sits in silence*.

We did discuss it again.  He came back from his storming upstairs to ask why I thought he was stupid.  I got the dressing out the fridge again and started talking and he cut me off (again).  I did eventually say:

FFF: When you bought this dressing, you didn’t say anything about it *Mr40 attempts to interuppt again* so there was a chance you either just couldn’t find it OR that you didn’t know what Balsamic Glaze was.  I just thought I’d show you.

Mr40: *silence*

FFF: I wasn’t expecting the bloody great balsamic Glaze argument of 2014.

The offending bottle of Balsamic Glaze

The offending bottle of Balsamic Glaze

11th Anniversary and it’s all change

Yesterday hubby and I celebrated 11 years of marriage.  We had a great day, but just stayed home as we hadn’t had a weekend in the new house.  We also had surprise visitors who were nearby and it was just a really nice day. We finished off by enjoying a fire in the stainless steel firepit I’d bought for him.

firepit

11 years is a big deal.  The more time I’m married the more I realise what a BIG deal these anniversaries really are.

What got me thinking about that was because it was only 2 days previously that we’d had a big blow up argument…..in front of our children.  One of those awful moments that you watch unfold but you have to commit to, even though part of you is shouting at you to give in and walk away.

It’s not as if we hadn’t argued for a while either.  We had a humdinger of one heading from the airport in Spain to the holiday villa.

There is no doubt things have to change.  I can’t control him, but I can control myself.

I feel I bite my tongue a bit.  Perhaps I need to bite my tongue more often.

Perhaps I just need to remind myself that we are a team and as long as I love him (and I do) I have to think more about the greater good (within reason) and learn to cope with what I deem are his inadequacies.

Time to take stock and work out whether I want to be right all the time or whether I want a happy home life.

I think I know the answer.

 

Valentine’s Day – why I don’t celebrate it

I’m not a big fan of Valentine’s Day and it’s not because I don’t believe in romance.  I do.  Provided it is for me and not something I have to physically do for someone else.

(That’s a joke)

The reason I’m not a big fan of Valentine’s Day is because I can’t quite get my head around the idea that we have just ONE day to be nice to our other half?

I just think it’s a day created by lazy men and women who don’t want to have to do anything romantic any other day of the year.

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO HAPPEN ON ONE DAY?

On top of that, it’s now commercialised so much that everyone feels that they HAVE TO do something on Valentine’s day and in order to get a table at a nice restaurant they have to book two months in advance because everyone else is feeling like they HAVE TO do something.

So while everyone is feeling particularly obliged to do SOMETHING the people who are not in relationships, some sad about it, some not, get to feel inadequate because everyone else is DOING SOMETHING and they aren’t because they haven’t jumped on the band wagon of social acceptance and got themselves into a relationship at any cost.

I think that’s a bit mean.

Whilst on the subject, you could argue the same for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.   I don’t mind skipping it.  Make my birthday extra special.  Let’s not put the money in the coffers of those exploiting a holiday that you just happen to be in the position to be celebrated just because you were able to conceive/fertilise and got a baby at the end of it.  Surely the delivery of a baby should be celebration enough?

Don’t even get me started on what it’s like on Mother’s Day to those unable to conceive. Or those that have lost their mother.  Or worse, as was the case for me for 4 years, unable to conceive or have a mother to send a card to.

I have reluctantly bought my husband a card and he has reluctantly bought me one and we will reluctantly hand them over at breakfast with some mumbling about not needing a day to tell someone why they are special.  We should just ignore it, but even in the echelons of rantville, we are STILL feeling a bit pressure to do something.  That’ll be it though.

What would be better is if we all just do something romantic for our other halves on a weekly and monthly basis.  I will endeavour to do one of my husband’s “jobs” at home once a week and once a month I will do something romantic, like cook his favourite meal, hold his hand (yes, sadly I don’t really like holding hands, puts me off my walking rhythm) or be the one to instigate the kiss hello.

What will you do?  Plump for the single solitary day like all the other robots or go out on a limb?

Happy Valentine’s Day.  😉

heart

Sex, Infertility and the (slightly) older woman

One of the big advantages to blogging anonymously is being able to tackle the sorts of things I just wouldn’t do if my name was in the title and my mates were following my blog. So I’m going to tackle something that I find very difficult to talk about……….sex. Specifically my own.

The Irish one (my husband) and I had a pretty good sex life when we met each other in our mid 20’s. In fact, really good. Not a 6 in one night kind of sex life, but a frequently and very satisfying sex life that I had no reason to ever complain about.

We married in our early 30’s and waited a year before trying for a baby. And try we did. In fact we tried so hard to have a baby that the whole thing became a bit of a chore. You may have heard this sort of thing before. My advice to anyone trying for a baby is to hold off charting or using ovulation kits until as long as possible. As soon as you begin using it them, that’s it….things will never be the same again.

I don’t regret our regimental approach really, because I think we realised we were going to have issues within 2 years but it had a huge impact on our sex life. Lots of arguments and lots of having to have sex when really neither one of us was in the mood. A bit of a disaster really.

4 years, 5 IUI’s later and then our first IVF and we were finally pregnant. We had 9 months off sex. It was a relief. No more needing to do it and we both wanted the break. By the time I was 12 weeks pregnant I then didn’t want to risk going into early labour (I don’t believe this is a scientific inevitability, but I’d waited so long I probably enforced a lot of ridiculous rules on myself). I waited until I was a few weeks off my due date and we started again. It felt fun, I didn’t have to suck my tummy in or wear a vest (I have very small boobs) and I didn’t care if I went into labour early. All was good.

Trying for our 2nd meant we kept up the momentum. Less pressure because we had our daughter and after 3 years I successfully got pregnant naturally with my son.

So here I am, with a nearly 5 year old and an 18 month old and the likelihood that I won’t have any more children. I’m 40 and sex is very very very low on my agenda of things to do. It’s definitely below sleeping, it’s below finishing off my Millennium Trilogy and sadly it’s even below blogging. I’d rather get this post done in silence on a Sunday morning than have sex!

I read on twitter from women who seem to have sex with their husbands a lot. I’m often reassured when I read that they are still in their 20’s or they’re in the throes of early marriage (maybe their second). I still do find some out there, the same age as me rampantly enjoying a healthy sex life. I feel deflated, but it still doesn’t prompt me to rush off for 5 minutes of sexual abandonment.

I know almost every relationship guru or counsellor will tell you that sex is an important part of a successful relationship. I don’t doubt it and I worry about it for about 3 minutes and move on. I should be more worried really, but I can’t. There are several reasons why we don’t do it that often.

1. We’ve got out of the habit
2. We are tired! Early 40’s with 2 young children will do that to you.
3. When we aren’t tired (morning, midday) we have 2 young children. Logistically impossible.
4. We both have the libido of Pandas. Helpful we are both on the same page, but it means neither one of us is pushing the issue.
5. We both have quite low self esteems about our bodies and abilities in the bedroom. The slightest wrong word/sentence can affect us for weeks.
6. Infertility. We now have a choice. I choose to sleep.

So here I am. It’s been 4 months since we last had sex and I’m hoping one of us gets in the mood soon. I have purchased THE BOOK recently so I’m hoping a bit of racy literature will fire things up. In the meantime I will seek solace in the fact that many 40 somethings with young children will be in the same boat and that this boat will eventually reach it’s destination when our household becomes a little calmer and we start focussing on us again. Until that time I will see if Mr Grey brings some va va voom into my sex life. It’s worth a shot!