Tag Archives: relationships

11th Anniversary and it’s all change

Yesterday hubby and I celebrated 11 years of marriage.  We had a great day, but just stayed home as we hadn’t had a weekend in the new house.  We also had surprise visitors who were nearby and it was just a really nice day. We finished off by enjoying a fire in the stainless steel firepit I’d bought for him.

firepit

11 years is a big deal.  The more time I’m married the more I realise what a BIG deal these anniversaries really are.

What got me thinking about that was because it was only 2 days previously that we’d had a big blow up argument…..in front of our children.  One of those awful moments that you watch unfold but you have to commit to, even though part of you is shouting at you to give in and walk away.

It’s not as if we hadn’t argued for a while either.  We had a humdinger of one heading from the airport in Spain to the holiday villa.

There is no doubt things have to change.  I can’t control him, but I can control myself.

I feel I bite my tongue a bit.  Perhaps I need to bite my tongue more often.

Perhaps I just need to remind myself that we are a team and as long as I love him (and I do) I have to think more about the greater good (within reason) and learn to cope with what I deem are his inadequacies.

Time to take stock and work out whether I want to be right all the time or whether I want a happy home life.

I think I know the answer.

 

Valentine’s Day – why I don’t celebrate it

I’m not a big fan of Valentine’s Day and it’s not because I don’t believe in romance.  I do.  Provided it is for me and not something I have to physically do for someone else.

(That’s a joke)

The reason I’m not a big fan of Valentine’s Day is because I can’t quite get my head around the idea that we have just ONE day to be nice to our other half?

I just think it’s a day created by lazy men and women who don’t want to have to do anything romantic any other day of the year.

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO HAPPEN ON ONE DAY?

On top of that, it’s now commercialised so much that everyone feels that they HAVE TO do something on Valentine’s day and in order to get a table at a nice restaurant they have to book two months in advance because everyone else is feeling like they HAVE TO do something.

So while everyone is feeling particularly obliged to do SOMETHING the people who are not in relationships, some sad about it, some not, get to feel inadequate because everyone else is DOING SOMETHING and they aren’t because they haven’t jumped on the band wagon of social acceptance and got themselves into a relationship at any cost.

I think that’s a bit mean.

Whilst on the subject, you could argue the same for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.   I don’t mind skipping it.  Make my birthday extra special.  Let’s not put the money in the coffers of those exploiting a holiday that you just happen to be in the position to be celebrated just because you were able to conceive/fertilise and got a baby at the end of it.  Surely the delivery of a baby should be celebration enough?

Don’t even get me started on what it’s like on Mother’s Day to those unable to conceive. Or those that have lost their mother.  Or worse, as was the case for me for 4 years, unable to conceive or have a mother to send a card to.

I have reluctantly bought my husband a card and he has reluctantly bought me one and we will reluctantly hand them over at breakfast with some mumbling about not needing a day to tell someone why they are special.  We should just ignore it, but even in the echelons of rantville, we are STILL feeling a bit pressure to do something.  That’ll be it though.

What would be better is if we all just do something romantic for our other halves on a weekly and monthly basis.  I will endeavour to do one of my husband’s “jobs” at home once a week and once a month I will do something romantic, like cook his favourite meal, hold his hand (yes, sadly I don’t really like holding hands, puts me off my walking rhythm) or be the one to instigate the kiss hello.

What will you do?  Plump for the single solitary day like all the other robots or go out on a limb?

Happy Valentine’s Day.  😉

heart

What a 40 year old Can Teach a Teenager

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I’m anticipating my conversations with my daughter in a few years time.  You know the ones. The ones where my teenager thinks she knows everything and I’m such an old fuddy duddy (she won’t use that word) that I couldn’t possibly understand what it’s like for her.  I couldn’t possible “get” what her and her friends are going through.

So I’ve been working on a list (as you do) that I will happily share with her when the time comes.  Let me know what I’ve missed out.

RELATIONSHIPS

Since the beginning of time, these have not changed. The mode by which they can be conducted may have, but on the whole “Ugg” and “Uhhh” were dealing with jealousy, fear, committment, lack of attention and arguments back when a relationship could break down over Ugg’s inability to fix the pounding stone securely to the cave floor.

I have “been around the block”. I’ve even gone around again, got the t-shirt, washed the t-shirt, lost the t-shirt, demanded the t-shirt back and cut the t-shirt up into pieces.  I HAVE HAD RELATIONSHIPS, with all sorts of blokes. That’s experience for you.  On top of that, I have had more friends than you, people who have also had relationships, of which I have helped, listened to and sympathised over.  Whilst you have 3 friends from primary school and about 5 friends in high school, I’ve accumulated far more experience of other people’s relationships since then. 8 from school,  plus around 10 from every place I’ve ever worked at (nearing 100), plus friends I made through relationships who may have come and gone, but I was there through tough times.  Let’s round that up to about 200.  I’d say I’ve got an experience I can relate to in ANY circumstance, wouldn’t you?  As I said – “I do understand”.  Relationships are complicated.

DRUGS

There are many of us “oldies” who probably know a lot more than we really want to let on.  There are few drugs (some of the harder ones) I haven’t tried.  I know what peer pressure feels like, I know about the tussle between head and heart.  I know the decision to leap into the abyss even though every bone in your body is telling you to not risk it.  I did it for a number of years and when that decision became more of an ordeal than the experience, I stopped.

Having said all that. I did have an awful lot of fun.  Thankfully with the right tune on I can get “total recall” without the drugs.  To be honest, nothing beats a good disco nap before a night out, a few drinks and dancing.  Even then, it felt like I big fat lie.  Fabricated fun. Tricking the brain.

At any rate, feel free to ask me about E, LSD, coke, speed and marijuana.  Making the decision to take any of those will have a big impact on your life.  Short term it can be devastating.  I was lucky. I also know that it’s not as simple as that and I can’t pretend you won’t get the opportunity.

I know I don’t take anything stronger than a horlicks these days, but trust me, I still remember.

SOCIAL MEDIA

“I don’t know what you are using. I don’t know what you want it to do. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career on social media. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you insist on signing up to the latest social media fad, then fine.  That won’t be the end of it.  I will look for you, I will find you, and I will learn how to use it!”*

FASHION

Instead of rolling your eyes whilst I check out your “oh so not suitable” outfit, just give a second.  I need to take the time to process what the hell you are wearing.  Not necessarily to give you a bollocking or ask you to change, just to …. process it.

You see, I was a teenager once and I wore some pretty odd things.  Well, they weren’t odd to me, just to my parents.  I know it’s more important to wear the right things than wear the clothes that are flattering.  A belt around the middle might balance out an outfit but if belts are not worn by teenagers, well, I get that!

Have a muffin top.  Wear your trousers too short or your top too baggy or shoes that make your feet look 2 sizes too big.  I don’t really care.  Just let me get used to it.

 BEING A TEENAGER

Overall I think I was a pretty good teenager. I didn’t have boyfriends until I was 18. I was shy.  I dabbled in a bit of marijuana (once as a teenager) but I always made it back for my curfew and rarely was out.

Listening to my mum, you’d think I was the most horrible teenager in the world.  I guess it was an attitude thing I wasn’t very aware of at the time. I haven’t forgotten that.  I know we aren’t going to be the best of friends and that everything I say and do will be wrong, but trust in me.  I do remember how nothing else mattered except what I was doing.  I remember not caring how my parents felt. I remember how the smallest incident felt like the most horrendous, world shattering event.  I promise I won’t forget that.  I will always do what I think is right and I will try to explain my decisions with you as best I can.

I will try to share the journey from childhood to adulthood with you as best as I can.  I promise when we get out the other side we will be stronger and closer than every before.

But always remember.  I DO KNOW MORE THAN YOU DO. A 40-year-old can teach a teenager an awful lot.

 

*adapted from a well known movie quote. Gold star if you can guess.

The arguments (and the not talking) – where to go from here.

Things haven’t been great for a little while but I think we are quite disappointed in ourselves that this is the case.  I think we were a little naive to think that having 2 kids wasn’t going to have a massive impact on us, but it has surprised us just how much.

I’m argumentative anyway. I’m no martyr and if something upsets me or annoys me, I just come out and say it.  The upside is that my husband doesn’t have to do any guesswork about how I’m feeling and I don’t get any seething rage, bubbling away for days on end.  The downside is that when we come up against issues like a teething 15 month old and a 4-year-old that cries at the drop of a hat in amongst the usual challenges of home, I have to say something – a little dig, a moan or a sarcastic comment, but I’m doing it every 20 minutes.  It’s not all me, though. He’s doing exactly the same.  Put on top of that two people who are always (and have always been) hyper sensitive and you’ve got a real recipe for disaster.

So we argued a lot on Friday. Poor old 4-year-old is so used to it now, she took herself off to the lounge room with the iPad to get out of the way.  I’m not proud of arguing in front of her and we usually nip most arguments in the bud before they escalate to a level we think is inappropriate to do around her.  I do think it’s important she witnesses arguments (hubby’s parents rarely argued and he used to freak out a bit when we did, bit like Chandler from Friends), just wish they were a bit more infrequent.  On Saturday he was out for the day and that helped a lot.  Sunday we had visitors and were much more tolerant of each other.

I believe it’s just the age the kids are that is making life difficult for us.  Both are demanding our attention, we get no time to ourselves and lots of tasks, errands and jobs are not done as a result.  With each new phase with the children, we have to learn a load of stuff all over again and that puts a strain on our relationship.  That’s what I’m hoping for anyway.  We are pretty open with each other and I just see this as one of those bumpy roads for now.  I’m not sure he sees it the same (re: my comment about Chandler) and I imagine he has safely pocketed “Relates” number and will be discussing it at some point soon. :)

Where do we go from here.  I’m not entirely sure.  I think just for the time being I need to put one foot in front of the other and relish those moments we do get a chance to giggle or chat or complete a house task.  I know I need to be a little more of a martyr.  I need to stop criticising everything (it may be true, but it doesn’t do us any good) and I think I may secretly note down all the things he does in this house so I can refer to it when I’m in a bit of a “Why do I have do everything!!!” ranty kind of mood.  Maintaining a relationship with the demands of small children may be a walk in the park for some, but clearly it is something we need to work on.