When you listen to your 18 month old cry and scream for the 2nd hour whilst your 4 1/2 year old asks you if they can do their sticker book, over and over and over again. That!
I love my children. I really do. I fought hard for both of them. My eldest was eventually conceived on our first attempt of IVF. We were very lucky indeed. My youngest took a while to come too, due to not knowing if we could conceive naturally and also I was having a major flare up of an inflammatory condition. I went on medication in the April and conceived him in the May.
My eldest girl was very collicky. I refused to admit it at the time (no official medical term exists for colic) but she cried and cried and cried, all day long and all night. Hubby and I argued a lot and spent a lot of time sobbing ourselves. He told me once that we mustn’t get so upset about it, we asked to have her and fought hard to get her. I now know that that was a mistake. We were just as entitled to moan about it as the next person and the extra guilt should never have come into it.
My son was a dream baby. Slept well (still does) and we barely heard a whimper. He’s now very different, very frustrated and very vocal. I’ve blogged about his frustrating age here.
To top it all of, I’ve recently realised that I am a very highly strung, anxious person. I know most people don’t adapt to change very well, but I don’t even more so. I rarely manage more than a few minutes of calm searching for something, before losing it, raising my voice, loudly asking rhetorical questions or swearing. I get very angry with other road users too. More so, when I’m under pressure to get from work to the nursery in good time.
The trouble is, although I consider my tolerance to be better than ever, because I think I would have literally exploded if I’d kept up with the way I’d handled things 4 years ago, I still can’t seem to hold it together very well. All it takes is for 1 or 2 things to go wrong on top of me being in a bit of “funny mood” and I’m so ANGRY. I have no idea how to manage this anymore. I do take myself up to my room to rage in privacy as I don’t want the kids to see it and thankfully they don’t so much anymore, but I just wish I could be one of those cool, laid back kind of women who takes issues in her stride and copes.
I am being hard on myself, because I’ve been in some pretty horrendous situations of constant children crying and managed to cope, provided I’m in the right frame of mind. I’ve also recently discovered that my tolerance level lowers if the place is a mess. So I’m much more tidier and cleaner than I ever used to be.
Maybe, however, it’s time for me to find some better techniques to coping with the anger. I don’t think it’s very nice for my kids to see me stressed and I remember being really scared of my mum and her moods. Where do I look though? Has anyone got any suggestions?