Tag Archives: Tummy

My (not so) lovely lady lumps……check em out!

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Errrr, actually forget that, because I have lady lumps where they are not supposed to be and none where they should be. Let me paint you a picture: (and don’t log off at this description. It was hell. And even if it’s not hell now, that body has long since left).
In High School I was often called “The Anorexic” or “The Ethiopian”. – lovely huh? Kids are so kind. So, yeah, I was reeeally skinny, an incredibly fast metabolism. The downside was that in the 80’s being skinny wasn’t seen as the holy grail, you had to be just right and to top it all off I was incredibly flat chested (still am).

So fast forward 25 years and I’m here in my 40th year, still with no lady’s lumps up top but, partly due to having 2 children and my age, quite a lot of lumps in my upper thighs, bottom, waist (if you can call it that), in fact those three areas have kind of merged.
I mention this because I recently had to attend a party and I had purposely ignored its impending arrival because I had no idea what to wear. I don’t go out very much so I don’t buy clothes FOR going out because they’d just sit in my wardrobe. I used to care about what I wore, I’d spend weeks planning an outfit for a big night out, but I’m so disappointed with the final product these days my enthusiasm has waned (along with the space for thinking which is now focused on other things, like working out how I keep a 15mth old entertained when it rains, or how to fit in a toy box in a small bedroom).
I’ve now going all Gok Wan on myself, trying to cinch in the non existent waist. I’m sticking an elasticated 2 buckle belt on every outfit in the hope of getting some shape. No amount of belting will bring back my pert bum though.
In the end, I did cobble something together. A dress I hadn’t worn since my sister’s hen party 4 years ago (which I’d bought to hide said new lumps but realised I looked hideous in all the photos)’ cinched in with my Gok Wanish belt. I had some Bridget jones “suck in knickers” on and support tights over that. the dress was too short, but the pattern on it was lovely and the belt helped a lot to my shape. Needless to say, the joy at removing these layers at the end of the night only compares to finally having a wee after hours of bursting to go.
I really need to shop for a smart going out dress rather than leaving it to the last minute. So once I’ve bought some new work tops, that’s next on my agenda.
As for the lady lumps. I guess I’ll just have to live with them. Be more careful in my purchasing and accept them for what they are – the shape of my life. I can’t turn back time and a definitely wouldn’t change having children so embracing them seems my only option. What do you do?